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Ezri sipped a mug of hot chocolate, spiced enough to satisfy Jadzia and Curzon without completely killing her own taste buds. Balance. She was working on it--and considering she had stopped counseling until she felt she was more in balance, that was probably a good thing. How could she help people when she couldn't help herself? She was more screwed up than most of them. Those weren't exactly wonderful qualifications in a counselor.

In order to figure out who she was, Ezri needed to re-evaulate her life, and make sure the choices she had made are still choices she would make now, as Ezri Dax. Easier said than done.

"What am I doing? Talking to myself obviously, great sign of sanity."

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"Yeah,"Ezri arched her eyebrows, smirking a bit at her own situation. "That seems to be the common response. Even to people who actually have experience with this sort of thing. It's profoundly frustrating sometimes. And when I say sometimes, I mean most of the time. It's exhausting, not knowing you who are. Or, knowing who you were. I know all 8 of my other selves just fine. Integrating everyone? Not so much."

Ezri took a sip of her tea to stop the babbling. "How are you liking this universe so far?"

"I don't have to worry about that. Integrating myself, I mean. I get an entirely new body. Completely different from the previous ones. The only time it's..."

Wait a minute.

"Did you just say 'common response'? How many other species can do this that you've talked to?"

Because really, if it's 'common' why are his companions always such pudding brains when it comes to regenerations? But she's already moved on.

"I find it's a little cramped. But that might be because of the Q."

At first brush, they're a little too much like Time Lords for his taste. At second brush, they're like the Guardians of Time, which is worse.

"Well, think about it this way. If in my universe, there are a couple species that have a similar method of joining between species or transfering consciousness, than how many others has Q opened us up too now? Even if it's not extremely common, I wouldn't say it's rare. Especially not now. Even the Borg in a way, have a unified consciousness. It's not that dissimilar." Creepy, but not dissimilar.

"What you described isn't that different from a Trill joining with a symbiont." Dax shrugged. "But don't you find it hard to figure out who you are? In your new body? Urges and feeling and wishes from your past bubbling up?"

"They don't bubble up as much as... completely change. For instance, my previous body liked fish fingers and custard. Which just makes this body churn when I think about it. Also he hated wine and alcohol. I don't mind that now."

He gestures to his drink which looks like just hot cocoa, but has peppermint schnapps in it.

"But everything else. My memories, my thoughts. They are my own. And they don't change. Well, unless I choose for them to. I did a lot of forgetting in my last body."

Something he clearly regrets.

"I think I kind of know what you mean. Jadzia loved blood wine. And raktajino. I tried them both. I nearly threw up. It smells disgusting, and it is disgusting. I don't know who she drank it. And what's worse?" Ezri leaned closer, commiserating. "I sometimes crave it. It makes me gag. I sometimes order it before I can stop myself."

She looked at the Doctor, studying him. Finally, she asked, "What's the point? For your changes? Joined Trills are supposed to help the symbiont grow and learn and experience new things. All that. But your change is different, right? You're not joined with anything."

"Not really the same at all. You're symbionts. I'm just me."

He shrugs.

"I'm a Time Lord. We have this way of cheating death. When we're about to die, every cell in our body renews itself. Except it means that everything about our physical appearance changes. Same person, new body. Actually more confusing for non-Time Lords than it is for the person going through it."

"You're you, but you have different cravings. You said your last body liked fish fingers and custard....which is admittedly kind of gross. Kind of like raktajino. But my point is I don't think we're that dissimilar. We're both trying to figure out who we are in a different body, with different cravings. Does your personality change, or just the body? Dax's personality changes with each host. Underneath I'm still Dax, but a different Dax. "

Talking to this Doctor was really helping her actually, hashing out her own problems.

Don't tell him he's helping. He's not that kind of Doctor. Well, he can be, he just doesn't like to admit it.

"I think some people think my personality changes. Twelve times in, I think it's more just different ways my one personality manifests itself. And I've had over a year in this body now. I'm pretty familiar with it. It usually only takes me a couple of months."

"I've only been joined for a couple of months. You'd think after 9 times Dax would be used to it by now. Well, Dax is I guess. I'm not. I'm the problem. I don't suppose you've got any tips at having gone through this twelve times already? Even if it's not exactly the same. It's close enough. Have you ever found yourself ordering fish fingers or forgetting who you are momentarily?"

"Forgetting who I am... Well. Every regeneration is different, but when I got this body, it took a bit for my brain to reboot. Couldn't think straight for days. But no, once I settle in, I just accept it as a new body and move on."

He shrugs. "But I know that's not the case for you. Just... Well, figure out the things you share in common and beyond that don't worry about it. The things you like in your body you'll still like. And at the end of the day, you have final say."

His advice is rubbish, ignore him. He doesn't know what he's talking about.

Ezri gave him a scowl. " Must be nice to be you. Actually, Dax's other hosts never had this problem. No Trill did. It's just me. I never had any training. I'm probably not even that compatible with Dax." She shrugged.

"But bit of a moot point now, since taking out the symbiont will kill us both. Although, I do think it's a little funny you think I have control over my body. I introduced myself to my mother as Curzon, get space sick now, despite being a trained Starfleet officer--and I'm left handed. I didn't used to be left-handed."

He shrugs a bit.

"Not all facts always fit all theories."

Take it, it's as close to 'I'm wrong' as he gets.

"You're the own who wanted help from someone who doesn't even belong in this universe."

Ezri looked at him, watching. "You're very sensitive aren't you? Despite that gruff exterior you're putting on---don't bother denying it, my last host married someone kind of like you.And whose to say who belongs where. You're talking to someone with a slug in her abdomen."

"I don't know that 'sensitive' is a word anyone has used to describe me."

'Pretending to be heartless' is something entirely different. Though he would argue he is heartless in his own way. Mostly in the way that caring hurts him too much these days, so it's easier to ignore it.

"Well, since Q dragged me here from another universe, I'd say I've got a pretty decent handle on who belongs where."

"Well now they have. Trust me. I'm a counselor. I know these things."

Ezri gave the Doctor a wink. He was kind of like Worf in a way. Worf with his shield up, when he was hurting and didn't want anyone to see. Kind of like when Worf first saw her.

"Is it the uniform? Am I going to have to start wearing something more casual to throw you off? Make it more of a challenge?"

He taps the side of his head.

"I'm very difficult to fool. Now that I've been here for awhile, my senses have finally started to adjust."

"I love a challenge. Makes life fun. And life needs a little fun in it, now and again. Life is hard. Life is difficult. More so when you don't know who you are and find yourself ordering things that will actually make you sick."

Ezri smirked, in spite of herself. Dax always seemed to have a self deprecating sort of humor. "Maybe if you're really lucky you can catch me getting sick all over the floor. Dr. Bashir doesn't think I have the range to go projectile then. We might start a game though. Make it a ship-wide bet. "

"Please don't. I hate looking after spillages. And I don't have access to my TARDIS to help me."

Yup, scarred for life after that stint as the caretaker.

"I love a challenge as much as the next man. But I'm a Time Lord. I have a whole group of senses that no one else does."

Well, no one else but other Time Lords, at any rate.

"See, that's kind of cheating, don't you think?" Ezri grinned. "Then again it's probably about as bad as having eight lifetimes of experience,"

She shrugged. "So what have you been doing with your time here? Time? Ha ha. Get it?" If this guy was Benjamin he would have whacked her.

"Line in the sand! I'm the one who does the puns."

Because she just didn't do it well at all.

"And using all the resources is not cheating. It's being smart."

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