Hauted by inner demons - OTA Forward dated to early hours Friday

[not_the_question]

The Doctor has a terrible secret that he has tried to keep somewhat hidden since his return.

He is older. Four point five billion years older. He might have mentioned it to a few people, but he hasn't properly explained to anyone how that all happened. "Stuck in a place" was probably as specific as he got. But the terrible truth was about to be revealed to everyone in the worst way he could imagine.

River might realise what's going on, at least in theory. But it had been very early days on Darillium when he had been forced to tell her. Even in his time now, that seems like ages ago. And for her... well... it had been substantially longer.

The Doctor woke to find himself back in his castle. He sighed heavily. It had been an odd dream anyway. Stuck on a ship that was pure fiction. That was almost worse than being stuck here. At least he knew how the castle worked now.

He got up, dressed and continued his search for Room 12.

He hadn't seen the Veil in some time. He checked the monitors and they showed it to be a surprising distance from him. Good. That means he had more time than he thought. Well, that was good. Maybe if he could confuse it enough, he could get more than his tested maximum of eighty-two minutes.

[ooc: The Doctor will be wandering all over the ship, thinking he is in his Confession Dial. Anyone who happens upon the Doctor will be infused into his nightmare. Some might take on the image of the Veil and others might become 'haunts' from other parts of the Doctor's life. Depending on how the Doctor incorporates your character into the dream will dictate his reaction to them. The goal, should your character choose to accept it, is to wake the Doctor. But, be aware, he believes his life is under threat from the Veil, so he is likely to do a lot of things to try to get somewhere safe. This includes but is not limited to hurting others.]

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[not_the_question]

The Doctor is mildly horrified by her words. He thought she knew better. Thought she was different. And she was. What the hell happened in those twenty-four years that made her so different now compared to the River he had just left?

Why was she playing this kind of game?

He didn't like it. He needed to get away before something drastic happened. He nodded. "Okay. Then don't blackmail me for mine."

Because that's what it was. Blackmail. Emotional blackmail. Leaving him with no choice, no autonomy, no option to try to find another way. Now, if he tries to push her away, she'll interpret it as him not loving her, which is the farthest from the truth.

Sometimes, loving someone means letting it go somewhat peacefully. Ironically, she was the one who taught him that when they first met. And he had let her go so many times. And the last time - to the Library still was ahead of him. And now, it would happen twice. Once when they get out of this mess and once at the end of those twenty-four years he had to go back to.

And these thoughts really aren't helping. It's making everything worse. He's noticed now, that his toe is tapping. Marking out the seconds.

[professorsong]

"You aren't leaving me anything else I can do," she whispered. Because she felt like he was leaving her no options at the moment either. "When this is over, my love, you go back to our date, I go back to my death. For once, time? Time is not what we have in abundance. We can't dance through it like we usually do. Anything we want to do, have to do, we have to do it here. Now."

She stepped closer again. "This is my only chance I have to help you. I know that now. No more loopholes, not for us, not for me. I've used them all up after this. This is my only chance to help, and I want to help, with all that I am," she whispered.

[not_the_question]

The Doctor sighs heavily and turns back around to face her. He has to be strong now. All he wants to do is run and hide. Hasn't he done enough?

"Nothing you can do? You can do something no one else on this ship can do. Accept me, River. Just how I am now. Don't try to mould me into the me you last saw. Don't try to fix me."

He wants to be able to be vulnerable, but he can't let himself do that if he fears people will try to fix him before he's ready. Or worse try to help him before they know anything about him.

[professorsong]

"I do accept you. Always have. Always will. I do, however, also worry about you. If you had seen how you had been just before, you'd understand why," she said softly. "But you are who you are. I wouldn't want anything less, and I can't imagine anything more, my love."

But anyone could accept him, couldn't they? Frankly she didn't understand how more people didn't love him. Both came naturally to her, had for most of her life. She made her choice a long time ago. The good, the bad, all of it... she chose him at his best and at his worst. She wanted all the days between.

[not_the_question]

She would be surprised. And perhaps people do accept him eventually, but he's impatient. And it's not the same to be accepted by people who only know one regeneration compared to the people who know several. She knows all of his faces, which puts her in a class by herself.

He sighs softly when she mentions what had happened. What had led him here. "Do you think I don't know what happened? I know what happens. On the TARDIS, she would corral me into a safe room. I should have anticipated an episode, but... I hadn't had one, so I figured it wouldn't happen."

He shrugs. "It's nothing to fear. I didn't hurt anyone and I know what I need to do."

Never sleep again, or find a safe place when he needs sleep.

[professorsong]

"From what I saw, I didn't know if you could be aware, after, of where you were mentally while you were trapped there." She stepped closer, then closed the distance and took his hand. "Tell me then," she said very softly. "Tell me what needs to be done to help you through it, what you would want me to do, and I will do it."

Given what she knew of his time there, how he eventually - eventually being too small a word by far - won free, she didn't think she had been unreasonable to be concerned. Twenty years wasn't enough, thirty wouldn't be enough. She was still learning this face, she wasn't ready to lose it just yet.

[not_the_question]

The Doctor runs his hands through his hair. Why does she have to do that? Keep pushing and pushing.

"I... Don't. Not specific details, anyway. I know enough, though."

One of the benefits of having a telepathic interface with the TARDIS. Also one of the downsides.

"I'm going to talk to the security team about putting me in the brig when I sleep."

Because God-forbid should he do something reasonable like counselling.

[professorsong]

She considered that and nodded. "Storm cage did have the most comfortable beds," she said fondly. "would you like me to be there when you sleep?" She asked softly. "I might not be any better at helping than I was this time, but at least you'd know you didn't have to be alone."

Because she was going to suggest counseling? Nope.

[not_the_question]

He takes one of her hands in his own. But can't bring himself to look in her eyes. The emotions are too raw.

"I'd be too afraid of hurting you in my sleep. If I do that, I may as well not sleep at all."

[professorsong]

"I'm not so easily hurt my love," she said softly. If that is the fear, if you want, I can promise to keep myself safe, if that is what will help." In tis context, anyway.

[not_the_question]

"Not the point."

He reaches up and tucks a stray curl out of the way.

"Do you really think I could forgive myself if I hurt you?"

[professorsong]

She gave him a small smile. "Then I wont let you. And honestly, I don't think if it came down to it, that you'd let you either."

[not_the_question]

He offered a sarcastic smirk. "You have more faith in me than I do. I don't even know if they'll let me. Or how they'll let me..."

It's just an option. He's still thinking about just not sleeping. He can go for long stretches without sleep.

[professorsong]

"Well, we can start somewhat easier. Find a place that's contained, give me all the sonics. Then you'll sleep, and it will be just us. Worst case I'll have a wait to get out with the sonic and wait on the other side of the door until you wake up. If we need help beyond that so that you'll feel safe, we'll get it."

[not_the_question]

"A secure location I can't escape from. Which is why I'm thinking the brig."

But, that won't help, not really. He actually needs someone he can talk to. Someone who can be objective but is used to dealing with immortals - or near enough. He... needs someone like Q. Only with compassion. He grimaces at the thought. He doubts any such person exists.

His eyes drift to the TARDIS. She's not even his. His is walking around somewhere in a flesh form and from his distant future. Doesn't matter, he won't burden her with this for the same reasons he won't burden River.

"I was doing so well until I was brought here...."

There's nothing but defeat in his tone with that last statement.

[professorsong]

"And you'll do well again, my love. If you want the brig as the answer, we'll see what it will take to arrange it. I'll get arrested if I have to, and you can call it a visit."

She gave him a smile. "Whatever it takes, whatever you want."

[not_the_question]

The worst thing about this experience is how exhausted it makes him. Because while 'asleep' it's not what anyone would call rest.

He shakes his head in answer to her. "I just need... space for now."

He turns again to leave, but pauses at the door.

"Thank you, though."

Because he is grateful, even if he can't accept what she's offering. With that he shoves his hands in his pockets and decides to wander back to his rooms.

I just got her a paid, so I guess I'll be making icons.

[professorsong]

She stood in the doorway, watching him walk away, feeling about as lost and upset when she watched him walk away from her in Stormcage, that one time. When she thought he would never kiss her again. When she thought things were ending for her.

But he did come back to her, later in both their timelines. Not living in reverse of each other, no, nothing that simple, but a chaotic jumble. He came back to her, in this face. She just hoped she didn't have to wait until he changed again, to have him come back again.