ten_fwd | Seeking Balance

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Seeking Balance

Ezri sat down in her empty room, the door open and sat poised in front of a newly replicated keyboard. It was harder to ignore Joran now that she had gone through with the Rite of Emergence. He wasn't buried, and she had trouble suppressing him as deeply as Jadzia had. But maybe suppressing him wasn't completely necessary. Joran was a part of Dax whether she approved of his actions or not, and at least her training as a counselor told her that suppressing part of yourself wasn't healthy.

It was one thing embrace his actions, but there was nothing wrong with his skills as a musician--even if that talent most likely came from the same pool that made him an excellent killer. Exacting precision, patience and probably a bit of arrogance. The part of her that used to be Joran was almost sad that for so long he had been ignored. Dax hadn't been whole. Even now, as Ezri fought him.

So, Ezri released her grip, and let her fingers glide and press over the keys. It had been so long since Dax had played.

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Yuna heard the sweet music from the hall and stopped to listen. A smile pulled at her lips and after a moment she began to hum along. A song bubbled from her chest and she sang softly just outside the door.

She didn't get to listen to music like this often and she couldn't help but smile as she placed words to the tune. After a few minutes Yuna peeked in the room with her palm on the window frame. She didn't want to listen without permission.

"Excuse me. I hope its okay. I was listening from the hall." She didn't step in the room but instead stood just outside the door way.

Ezri turned to snarl, Joran a little to close to the surface, especially hearing the humming, singing girl, inserting herself into Dax's composition. "This piece does not require accompanyment. You may listen quietly." And then Ezri turned, trying to reel him back. She definitely needed to work on that. It wasn't necessarily Joran's fault. It was hers. She needed to get stronger.

Taking a few breaths, Ezri looked back."I'm sorry about that. Of course you can listen."

Yuna just smiled. "It's alright. It's my fault." She didn't let most things get to her and she could understand the need to keep a melody pure. "I've studied music so I can understand." It was more complicated than just studying but it wasn't something that Yuna spoke of often so she left it at that.

She took a step in and leaning against the wall. With that she would be respectful and quiet listening to the lovely tune and appreciating its sound.

"That's beautiful."

The voice will, no doubt, be familiar. Terzen is stood in Ezri's doorway, watching, a soft smile on his face.

"And, trust me, one of my previous hosts was Gustaz T'Karr. I know piano."

Gustaz was a famed composer on Trill, specialising in the piano, and several other instruments. His music was very popular, still being played to this date.

It's unfortunate Terzen doesn't know the true story of Joran Belar, or he'd know the chord he just struck in Dax. Another pianist. And Dax knew from both Jadzia's and Ezri's memories that his work was well received, and still known. After all, no one wanted to play music composed by a murderer.

Ezri tried to suppress a growl and turned her head to Terzen, and for a moment, it wasn't Ezri. "Of course it's beautiful. I composed it." The idea of Gustaz T'Karr being better than him. It was laughable.

Oh dear. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea after all.

"Oh?" Terzen seems interested, despite the flash of emotion there. Curious. Something provoked that emotional response. "I didn't know Dax had a history of the piano."

Of course he didn't. Joran Belar's existence was hidden even from Dax at this point.

"I'm glad, of course."

"Of course you didn't. Why would you." That mere remark, knowing that in this timeline, Joran was as buried to Curzon Dax as he was to the rest of the universe, made her wince. They were ashamed, even though their shame was hidden in self preservation and honor for Trill society and the symbionts. They were ashamed of Joran, and the mistake they had made.

And that upset Dax, both angry and sad.

"Are you really? Not concerned you might have competition?"

"No." Terzen says, frowning slightly. "I'm not Gustaz." Which Dax should well know. One host shouldn't fall back on the others. What would be the point in joining if they did?

The emotions he was reading concern him, straightening from the doorway.

"Ezri, are you okay?"

This was a bad idea. This was such a bad idea. Joran was too close to the surface. Hell, he wasnt close to the surface, he was breaking through, smothering Ezri, wanting to be heard. Well, what else was new?But she knew she couldn't just smother him back. That wasn't right. No matter how scared of him she was, no matter the influence, Joran was part of Dax. And he was a part of Dax she had to learn to live with, along with Audrid, Curzon and the others.

So, she took a deep breath, and tried to answer. Her, not Joran or Joran's influence.

"Sorry. This was a bad idea." She pushed the instrument away. She closed her eyes, willing Joran back into the depths of Dax so she could try and think clearly.

"You have a bit more experience with this whole thing than I do....can we talk?"

"Of course."

He steps into her quarters, the door closing behind him as he takes a few more steps.

"Trouble with the symbiont?" He asks, quietly. "Those emotions I just felt; they weren't you, entirely, were they?"

He knows the circumstance to which Ezri became host to the Dax Symbiont, that she didn't have the training, the preparation, and likely wasn't compatible. There was a reason the Symbiosis Commission was so thorough, after all...

"Oh shut up Joran." Ezri yelled at herself. To Terzen, she smiled weakly and shrugged. "Oh, Dax is fine. Well, as fine as the symbiont and I ever are. I'm hoping that will get easier with time." She gave him a laugh at her own expense.

"No, I'm actually having problems with one of the hosts." Ezri started to look a little uncomfortable. "Look, what I'm going to tell you, well, it's sort of supposed to be a secret. And it wouldnt be too much of a problem if I was still on DS9, but I'm not, and I'm not sure who to talk to. So if you want to go right back out that door, I understand. I can talk to Julian. But he's not exactly a Joined Trill, no matter how much he knows about us."

Oh sure, she could talk to Julian. And Julian would look at her like she was crazy for trying to embrace Joran--and then he'd yell at her if he found out about the Rite of Emergence.

"I can't just ignore this." Terzen comments, definitely looking concerned right now. "And I might not be a councillor, or a doctor, but you can trust me to keep things secret."

That's what Trill do, right? Not so much keep secrets but... don't tell.

"Joran. I'm assuming that it's Joran Belar you're talking about?" He frowns slightly. "He was a host of Dax?"

Ezri took a breath and nodded. "After Torias's accident and before Curzon. Torias wasn't in a coma for 6 months after the accident. He died and Dax was placed into Joran. The joining wasn't exactly stable.Joran was already a bit ill-tempered, but it got worse. And he started killing people. So Dax was removed from Joran and placed into Curzon with a memory block."

Dax winced. "I needed his help once. Right before I came here, so I performed the Rite of Emergence. It's a bit harder to get him to shut up now. I can't block him out as well as before. But should I even try? He's a part of me." Ezri laughed a bit at her own expense. "Even if he did make me almost stab a poor guy with a butter knife. Or that time I threw a tantrum in Ben's office."

And his concerned look turned to a frown. "How did he even get through selection? I thought only one Trill per thousand could be Joined, that it was a strict physical and psychological matchup to be even considered."

He shakes his head, deciding that those questions were best to be answered later.

"As far as I remember from my Initiate training, the Rite of Emergence brings the previous host to the forefront. I don't think it's as much that he's louder, more that you're concentrating too much on him." He folds his arms, thinking. "You did reverse the Rite afterwards, yes?"

Ezri looked a little uncomfortable. Finally she whispered, "That's a lie too. Nearly half of the population are compatible." But she did give him a look. "Yes, I did reserve the Rite. I know that much, thank you. He's been ignored for too long, blocked. I'm not sure Joran has been fully integrated. Every time I've tried to bring him out it's....been a problem."

Again, he's going to focus on that a bit later, looking down.

"Maybe... performing the reversal again?" He suggests. "Or it... I'm not sure." He shakes his head. "The only people who'd know would be the Symbiosis Commission, but..."

But that would complicate things.

"Is it... possible that this is all..." He makes a vague motion with his hands. "That this is all in your mind? Not that you're imagining it, but..." He sighs, letting his hands drop again. "Sorry. I'm not very good at this."

"That makes two of us at least! Let me put it this way, maybe it will help. During Jadzia's zhian'tara Joran was able to bang his head against a forcefield, and actively fight off Ben for control. He's not exactly a good sport sometimes."

Dax paced a little bit, back and forth in her quarters. " From what I can make of it, the Rite has made it more difficult for me to ignore him. He's more, not more active than the other hosts but ...." Ezri stopped, getting frustrated with trying to explain it and put it into words too. "He's a lot more annoying. It was easy for Jadzia to just block him out when she had too. It wasn't terrible for me either. Now, I just have to be careful. I was hoping that I might be able to find some sort of balance, of equilibrium with Joran. But I'm not sure that's possible, without help."

Terzen scrubs a hand through his hair, not really knowing what to say, before trying to lighten the mood. "Why couldn't you be a subspace communications array? I'd know what to do then."

He lets his hand drop to his side. "I'll help in any way I can, but... I'm not sure how. Have you considered talking to Counselor Troi? She's half-Betazoid, too. She can probably help a fair sight more than I can."

Ezri stopped, genuinely bewildered with herself when Terzen had mentioned talking to Counselor Troi. "Honestly...up until you just mentioned it, I hadn't. I don't know why, if anyone needs therapy it's me. It's been months and I still get space sick. "

Ezri walked closer to Terzen and gave him a smile and a hug. "Thanks. You've been a real help."

He's actually going to relax a bit, returning the hug. "Honestly? I'm glad." He remarks in return, shifting a bit. "If... You need someone to talk to, at least, you can call me any time."

And he's going to break the hug, leaving a hand on her shoulder. "And if you want me there when you speak to Counselor Troi, I'd be happy to." A pause. "I do think you're wrong, though. I don't think you need therapy. Just... a helping hand."

"Thanks T'Karr. I appreciate the offer. But honestly I'm not sure how to even approach it. It's still so early here. Odan hasn't been on the Enterprise yet. They shouldn't even know about Joined Trills yet. What if in solving my problems I help start a whole new one?"

What could she say? She was a worrier. It was all the Emony. And Audrid. And a lot of Tobin.

"That's a point." He frowns. "But... it wasn't exactly a secret. From what I remember before Ambassador Odan was on the Enterprise, we just... didn't tell anyone."

A slight shrug. "I don't think you'll cause too much of an issue, to be honest."

Ezri gave him a kiss. "Thanks T'Karr. Does the Enterprise already know about you then? I wouldn't be doing anything that hasn't already been done..."

"Dr. Bashir knows about me. He performed my initial scan." Which means it's in the medical database. "Besides, I wouldn't worry about it affecting me, if that's what you're meaning."

If anything the welcoming noise likely meant that he was in store for a touch of class.

A talent for death, properly directed, was something to be admired in Nietzschean eyes. Useless squandering of life, though, that was to be reviled. At least in Rhade's time and belief structure it was. It was complicated- to end an enemy out to end you had no guilt attached to it, as your life should come first. But to end someone merely as a gesture of strength or pleasure was moronic, removing something that could have improved and you could have improved alongside.

Joran's purpose might have been corrupt but his skill was something she could also keep, if for more positive defense purposes.

But that was a discussion for another day. Today was him wondering into meet his new roommate, peering in quietly and waiting for her to pause in her playing so that he didn't interrupt her. When the opportunity arose he spoke. "That's a wonderful composition. It's not familiar to me."

"I'm glad to have someone to play it for then. I haven't played in a while." The part of her that was still Joran appreciated the tact and civility Gaheris showed in waiting for her to pause, instead of interrupting. Some people wouldn't have shown such consideration.

"I composed it. One of my previous hosts did, over a hundred years ago. " It felt good to try and reach out to Joran, even if it scared her.She knew what Joran was capable of first hand, and how easy it was for her to slip into that as well. She was him, but she wasn't. And Joran was closer to the surface than he was for Jadzia. But it was still important for Dax to be whole again.

"I'm Ezri, Ezri Dax." She got up, sliding out of her seat before reaching over and offering him a hand."

"A host?" He sat near her.

"My mother was a musician. She sang opera. Unfortunately whatever musical genes she passed onto me only had relevance in my appreciation of good music; I am not talented in the slightest."

Which he did sound very depressed over- A Nietzschean shouldn't fail his parents, and he hoped the genes would reemerge in his offspring years later.

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