ten_fwd | Seeking Balance

Ezri sat down in her empty room, the door open and sat poised in front of a newly replicated keyboard. It was harder to ignore Joran now that she had gone through with the Rite of Emergence. He wasn't buried, and she had trouble suppressing him as deeply as Jadzia had. But maybe suppressing him wasn't completely necessary. Joran was a part of Dax whether she approved of his actions or not, and at least her training as a counselor told her that suppressing part of yourself wasn't healthy.

It was one thing embrace his actions, but there was nothing wrong with his skills as a musician--even if that talent most likely came from the same pool that made him an excellent killer. Exacting precision, patience and probably a bit of arrogance. The part of her that used to be Joran was almost sad that for so long he had been ignored. Dax hadn't been whole. Even now, as Ezri fought him.

So, Ezri released her grip, and let her fingers glide and press over the keys. It had been so long since Dax had played.

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"I can't just ignore this." Terzen comments, definitely looking concerned right now. "And I might not be a councillor, or a doctor, but you can trust me to keep things secret."

That's what Trill do, right? Not so much keep secrets but... don't tell.

"Joran. I'm assuming that it's Joran Belar you're talking about?" He frowns slightly. "He was a host of Dax?"

Ezri took a breath and nodded. "After Torias's accident and before Curzon. Torias wasn't in a coma for 6 months after the accident. He died and Dax was placed into Joran. The joining wasn't exactly stable.Joran was already a bit ill-tempered, but it got worse. And he started killing people. So Dax was removed from Joran and placed into Curzon with a memory block."

Dax winced. "I needed his help once. Right before I came here, so I performed the Rite of Emergence. It's a bit harder to get him to shut up now. I can't block him out as well as before. But should I even try? He's a part of me." Ezri laughed a bit at her own expense. "Even if he did make me almost stab a poor guy with a butter knife. Or that time I threw a tantrum in Ben's office."

And his concerned look turned to a frown. "How did he even get through selection? I thought only one Trill per thousand could be Joined, that it was a strict physical and psychological matchup to be even considered."

He shakes his head, deciding that those questions were best to be answered later.

"As far as I remember from my Initiate training, the Rite of Emergence brings the previous host to the forefront. I don't think it's as much that he's louder, more that you're concentrating too much on him." He folds his arms, thinking. "You did reverse the Rite afterwards, yes?"

Ezri looked a little uncomfortable. Finally she whispered, "That's a lie too. Nearly half of the population are compatible." But she did give him a look. "Yes, I did reserve the Rite. I know that much, thank you. He's been ignored for too long, blocked. I'm not sure Joran has been fully integrated. Every time I've tried to bring him out it's....been a problem."

Again, he's going to focus on that a bit later, looking down.

"Maybe... performing the reversal again?" He suggests. "Or it... I'm not sure." He shakes his head. "The only people who'd know would be the Symbiosis Commission, but..."

But that would complicate things.

"Is it... possible that this is all..." He makes a vague motion with his hands. "That this is all in your mind? Not that you're imagining it, but..." He sighs, letting his hands drop again. "Sorry. I'm not very good at this."

"That makes two of us at least! Let me put it this way, maybe it will help. During Jadzia's zhian'tara Joran was able to bang his head against a forcefield, and actively fight off Ben for control. He's not exactly a good sport sometimes."

Dax paced a little bit, back and forth in her quarters. " From what I can make of it, the Rite has made it more difficult for me to ignore him. He's more, not more active than the other hosts but ...." Ezri stopped, getting frustrated with trying to explain it and put it into words too. "He's a lot more annoying. It was easy for Jadzia to just block him out when she had too. It wasn't terrible for me either. Now, I just have to be careful. I was hoping that I might be able to find some sort of balance, of equilibrium with Joran. But I'm not sure that's possible, without help."

Terzen scrubs a hand through his hair, not really knowing what to say, before trying to lighten the mood. "Why couldn't you be a subspace communications array? I'd know what to do then."

He lets his hand drop to his side. "I'll help in any way I can, but... I'm not sure how. Have you considered talking to Counselor Troi? She's half-Betazoid, too. She can probably help a fair sight more than I can."

Ezri stopped, genuinely bewildered with herself when Terzen had mentioned talking to Counselor Troi. "Honestly...up until you just mentioned it, I hadn't. I don't know why, if anyone needs therapy it's me. It's been months and I still get space sick. "

Ezri walked closer to Terzen and gave him a smile and a hug. "Thanks. You've been a real help."

He's actually going to relax a bit, returning the hug. "Honestly? I'm glad." He remarks in return, shifting a bit. "If... You need someone to talk to, at least, you can call me any time."

And he's going to break the hug, leaving a hand on her shoulder. "And if you want me there when you speak to Counselor Troi, I'd be happy to." A pause. "I do think you're wrong, though. I don't think you need therapy. Just... a helping hand."

"Thanks T'Karr. I appreciate the offer. But honestly I'm not sure how to even approach it. It's still so early here. Odan hasn't been on the Enterprise yet. They shouldn't even know about Joined Trills yet. What if in solving my problems I help start a whole new one?"

What could she say? She was a worrier. It was all the Emony. And Audrid. And a lot of Tobin.

"That's a point." He frowns. "But... it wasn't exactly a secret. From what I remember before Ambassador Odan was on the Enterprise, we just... didn't tell anyone."

A slight shrug. "I don't think you'll cause too much of an issue, to be honest."

Ezri gave him a kiss. "Thanks T'Karr. Does the Enterprise already know about you then? I wouldn't be doing anything that hasn't already been done..."

"Dr. Bashir knows about me. He performed my initial scan." Which means it's in the medical database. "Besides, I wouldn't worry about it affecting me, if that's what you're meaning."

Seeking Balance

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