ten_fwd | hello from the other side ( open )

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hello from the other side ( open )

New Orleans Open

Nothing has really been good for Beverly in months. She's had patches of wonderful, good things, but overall, since the day she left sickbay on the Enterprise-E to the Borg, nothing has gone well. Not overall.

And now, just when she thought she was managing her flashbacks and nightmares again, she woke up one morning to find Fatima gone. So the guilt has set in. And the worry. And everything else. Fatima was like a daughter to her and Beverly misses her with every fiber of her being. A part of her is so angry with Q, beyond angry, Beyond something simple. She has never liked him. Not even once.

But right now? Beverly Cheryl Howard Crusher is 1000% done with Q. If he leaves them alone today, it would still be too late.

So, here she is in the holodeck today. Most people will come across her sitting by a trashcan of fire in the middle of a back alley. She's instructed the holodeck to make the fire big, so it's pretty much a bonfire. A contained bonfire, but a bonfire nonetheless.

Fire is calming to her. She loves the flickering lights, the way it smells.

Fire helps her cope.

Fire is real. Even when it isn't.

Orient Express Open

If New Orleans isn't the destination of choice, a visitor might open the holodeck doors to find themselves on a train. Right now, it's empty, but that might change. Beverly herself is on the train, with her back facing the front of it.

That may or may not be intentionally symbolic.

Whatever the case, she's curled up on one of the seats, her legs tucked up and her head resting against the window as she watches the world go by. On the seat between her and the wall is a PADD, the one she's been trying to use since Deanna made her suggestion. For now, it's enough to watch and think. Maybe she'll turn the actual story on sometime.

Five more minutes.

Five more minutes to mourn, to watch the back of the train, her life.

Five more minutes to feel guilt that she isn't there with Fatima, that she knows what Fatima will go back to but she isn't there to help.

Five more minutes to wonder about the version of Beverly Crusher who should be in this timeline and to feel guilt about that, too.

Five more minutes to feel numb.

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She nodded. "Sit comfortably and face the light, so that when you close your eyes, you are still aware of it. Close your eyes, settle until it is firmly in your view through closed eyes. Deep even breaths, in and out. Don't count, just focus on the light."

She watched until the other woman seemed to be relaxing into it as much as could be expected. "Alright," she said, softening her voice. "See the light as red. It is small, a small red light before your eyes. Feel it slowly expand and filly your head. Feel it grow down your neck, into your shoulders, breath in and feel it fill your arms, your torso, your legs, until you are filled with warm red light. Breath in, feel the red. Whatever emotion comes with the read feel it, let it fill you. Take a deep breath when you are filled with the red and hold it," she said, speaking very softly now, just barely loud enough to be heard. She waited until she took the breath, and would adjust her time accordingly, watching her, learning her, as she lead the meditation.

"Slowly let the breath out, let the red leave on that breath, let it exit the body." She let her do so. "Once that is done see the light as a point of orange." And she would guide the orange the same way. Then yellow. Green. Blue. Indigo." When she got to violet, she shifted slightly. "You should feel mellow as violet fills you until you are as soft and mellow as that color. Then take a deep breath, linger in violet, then breathe it out slowly."

And one might think that she would stop there, but she continued. "The invisible. Feel it as it starts as the same point of light, feel it fill you the same way, feel it fill your head, down through your neck," and she guided the invisible as she had the colors of the rainbow. As she breathed out the final breath she said simply, and softly. "Open your eyes."

There was no Oneahn for whom the Rainbow Meditation had failed to calm, at least some. It was one of the tools used for Mastery. You felt and acknowledged every emotion along with a color, inhabited each in turn, then sent it back into the world. The feelings were yet yours, but they did not master you.

Beverly does as instructed, reaching inwardly as she takes in what Ayesh tells her. Breathing deeply, the doctor shifts so she sits cross-legged and then closes her eyes, regulating her breaths and heartbeat as much as she can. As they go, she attempts to picture what Ayesh says, to do as instructed. It may take her a few tries, as she isn't calm enough to meditate perfectly right off the bat, but it shouldn't be as long as sometimes have been. Like the time she was learning Mok'bara with Worf.

Beverly takes her time, though, doesn't let Ayesh move ahead too soon and signals with her breathing when she's ready. The colors are a new idea, but she can see the use in them. Each represents something different and as each moves onward, she can feel herself relaxing. Not perfectly, not yet, but certainly on her way.

The last part may trip her up this time, but again she sees the use in it. When the final request comes, Beverly slowly lets her eyelids part, her eyes opening to the light of the fire. She does feel calmer, less tense than before. It helped and she wouldn't mind doing this again sometime.

"Thank you," she says softly. "That will take some time to master, but I think I'd like to try again another day. It did help. I feel... calmer."

She nodded. "It is a part of mastery itself, and was never intended to be perfectly learned in a single session, but it helps one center and calm even then. I happily will run the meditation for you again in the future, if you choose, until you learn it yourself. It is one of the things I intend to teach in the Diamond Mind class, it is one of the things I have taught to students before."

It was what could have stopped the war between two races if she had just had more time. If Sacraya had not fallen when she did. If war had not broken out to cleanse the mountain of their experiments. To this days, past countless years, she still could name every student in that class, see their faces in flickering fire light.

But she did not dwell in her pain. She accepted, felt it, but was not mastered by it. Her mastery failed her in her past. Twice. She vowed that it never should again.

But thinking of that class did give her an idea. "I often ended my classes with music. Many of my students found it soothing. If you would like, I could play." Or let the woman play. She had the teaching flute back.

"I would like to try it again. Perhaps not today, I should practice some myself, but maybe another day when you have time," Beverly says, thinking that it might not be a bad idea to find another method of meditation. This might just be what she's needed.

Music sounds like a good idea. Unexpected and not something Beverly will likely try herself, but a good idea all the same.

"I'd like that," she admits. "What do you play?"

Ayesh nodded. "I will happily help in the future, if requested. As to what I play," she said, reaching into her bag. She pulled out multiple flutes. "I play the flute. This one is Oneahn," she said holding up the longer flute. IT had a ring at one end that could be turned "It is an Oneahn teaching flute, and it can play in more than a dozen scales. This," she set that flute in her lap and lifted the smaller one. It was more ornate, with a labyrinthine text scrolling across the surface of it. "This is a flute that is unique save one other. Only two were ever made, and they play a unique scale designed for them."

Beverly hasn't seen anything quite like that. It's an interesting flute and she watches with appreciation. "Oneahn?" she questions, wondering what the significance of that word is. Is it a descriptor or perhaps the name of a place where they flute comes from? "They both look lovely. I would love to hear them."

"Oneahn, as I am. Oneah was the land I came from, the Seven Cities of The Sun. Specifically, I am from Xa-on, home of the Roof of lights, and the greatest wrestling school the lands have ever known." Those words might have been said with pride, and she felt pride indeed, but her face and voice were shorn of it, calm and neutral.

She lifted the smaller flute. "As the Heart Scale is probably the btter to end on, I shall play in the Goblin Scale first. This song is called Gur." In honor of the first Goblin to show Ayesh that a Goblin could have honor, could want something more than what she had thought all goblins sought. Murder. Loot. Dark caves. Gur was the first Goblin to speak to her with sense and logic, to express a desire for culture and aid. And Ayesh had at first glance betrayed her. Now she honored her, she who changed so much for her small tribe. So much promise there had been lost to axes and hooves.

The song she played was as soft and sad as a song in the Goblin Scale could be. But it was ever the Goblin scale for a reason, the flute that the class had designed played every song with an edge of fear. With an edge of battle. She could hear the drums in every note she played, and so she wrote songs that suited that scale. Like Gur herself, the song was short and complex, far more than it seemed on the surface.

She felt a tear slide down her face, and she allowed it. It did not stop or alter the song. She felt the pain, she missed Gur, missed them all, but she did not stop. Flowers did not always sprout in the season they were planted.

When she finished the song, she lowered the flute and set it gently back in her bag. She drew out a small box instead. She glanced at the woman beside her, to see if she were visibly moved by the song.

Beverly can feel the emotions being pulled out of her, the way the song pushes and pulls at her. Memories being brought to the surface. The song itself is like nothing Beverly has heard before, but it makes for a nice beginning, a nice introduction to Ayesh's music. When it stops, she glances at the other woman, her eyes soft with emotion. She might not understand the context of the song, but she has obviously been touched by it all the same.

"That was lovely," she says softly, as though she doesn't want to disturb the moment.

Edited 2016-02-16 04:20 (UTC)

She nodded. "This scale was one that is, as I said, unique. We had to make the songs for it ourselves, and have less to draw upon. But we do the best that we can."

She lifted the other flute, turning the ring on the end slightly. "The heart scale has more written for it, and I find it to work well, after the Goblin scale, if you care to hear." She offered a small smile, one she allowed through. She felt what she felt, she had never denied that.

Beverly nods slowly, content just to listen for this. The explanations are helpful and certainly give her something else to enjoy. At Ayesh's invitation, she nods. "I would like that."

She nodded and opened the box she had drawn from her bag. Had she yet mentioned that she was comfortable around flames that gave light, but lacked heat? Either way, this box would be why. As she opened the simple lid she spoke a single simple word in her mouther tongue, or one older yet. An orange flame of fire burst into light with a noise that sounded rather like whoomp. No heat came off the fire, nor did she seem to fear a burn if the box fell, perched as it was on her knees.

Another word, kin to the first, was spoken, and just as softly. The flames shifted from orange to green. She lifted the longer of the flutes from where it had rested on her lap and touched one end to the flames. Green light spiraled up the flute, the fire leaving the box. When the flute lit fully from the flame, the box seemed empty. She closed it, and the flute shone with a pale flickering light, as though the fire were within the casing of the flute. She returned the flute to her lap so that she could close the tinderbox and put it back in her bag. That done, she checked the ring at the end of the flute. Satisfied it was set aright, she played a song she had long since practiced, one that on a flute made for a ten fingered human, an eight fingered one could yet play.

The tunes she could play on her original flute were few, and carefully adapted to her hands. On an ordinary flute, she could not have done it at all, and had she no skill with music herself, then too even with this flute she would have failed. But this was an Oneahn teaching flute, one of the few treasures of home remaining to her. Where she had once given this very flute as a gift, she now held it once again as a treasure. Once again it was one of the few things that survived the death of all she knew. She was a relic, as the flute was.

Heart Scale, Moon Scale, common. Those were the three scales she had focused on when she relearned the art. The song she played now made clear why the Heart Scale had that name, it was soft and sweet, cutting to its namesake. It was a song of loss and longing, but also of love. It was a song that was an ode to the wonders and joys one can only find after the most profound sorrows. It wasn't a song that cured pain, or ignored it, but one that spoke of love and hope beyond it.

It was one she played for herself, more often than most. In hopes that once again, she would find a home beyond what had been lost.

At first, Beverly is concerned by the new fire, but that slowly turns to interest and curiosity. She watches, enjoying the light show as much as the music. Once again, several emotions war within her and for a time, she lets her eyes close as her mind flits around, emotions tumbling over each other. Sometimes the heart is the most beautiful part of oneself, but it also feels everything so completely and intensely. For a person like Beverly, emotions are never light. Each one is intense and she feels it with the whole of herself.

She doesn't speak until the song has completed, leaving a few long moments of silence to be sure. "That was lovely as well," she says softly. "I can see why you enjoy those."

She nodded, setting the flute in her lap. "It is the only thing I regret, about having lost the fingers, is that I cannot play the teaching flute properly any more. Still, what I can play has helped, and I am glad to have been able to do that much."

She gave a small smile, then lifted the lightly glowing flute again. "Would you care to try it?" she asked. "I can set it to an approximation of most scales I have encountered since I began in the academy. None of the matches are exact, but there are some that are remarkably close."

As nice as the offer is, Beverly thinks she would rather sit and listen than learn to play herself. With the way she is, she might want to really learn after this and she has enough projects as it is. Enough distractions for a woman who perpetually looks for distraction. "No, but thank you for the offer. I think I'd rather let someone else play it beautifully than stumble along myself."

But it really is a wonderfully kind offer.

As to the rest... "I am well-versed in cybernetics if you think there's a chance to help with your fingers." Even if Ayesh has cybernetic fingers or is in need of new ones, Beverly has the expertise to help. Of course, if she doesn't want to, then there's no reason to push and the doctor will let it slide. But she wouldn't be Beverly if she didn't at least offer.

"I've never considered artificial fingers. The first I lost saving my own life. Watching my hand being sewn shut, however, I realized there was wisdom in finishing the job, and I requested that the one tending me remove the other as well," she said emotionlessly, gazing at her hands. Had she gained them anything with that? She had turned some hearts, yes, but hearts that easily turned did not strongly stand. In the end, nearly all of them died, Ayesh had bought them a few weeks, if that. She could not say to this day if that time had been well spent. Or rather, well enough.

Beverly can tell that the subject is a little tricky. "It's an option, if you ever want it," she offers, tucking her legs up under her again. "Even though I don't think I'd be good at playing anything, you really were. If you'd like to play something else, I wouldn't mind. I think I'm going to spend a little more time out here today."

"I will consider it, and I would be happy to play something more for you, if you wish. I studied a number of contemporary songs while I was at the academy, at least they were contemporary for my version of reality. Is there something specific you would like me to play, if I know it?"

Beverly gives her head a gentle shake at the question. "Whatever you feel like playing," she suggests. Maybe it will help her relax more if she doesn't recognize the song.

She nodded and twisted the ring on the flute. The color shifted slightly, and she began playing 13 tones on the Moon scale. She closed her eyes as she played, letting that flow into a song from Oneah, from Xa-On specifically, one that called for grace and courage in battle, one that called for fairness and honor in combat. She could hear the words in her head, but as wondrous as the flute was, it could not let her sing and play at the same time. She had to adapt it, for her missing fingers, but it was still fundamentally the same song, just missing some of the tones on one end.

Everything has beauty and value to Beverly, even though she is mostly interested in listening so her mind is distracted from being angry at Q and worrying about what Fatima is going back to. Whether it is missing tones or not, she does not know. She does, however, enjoy the grace and support that has been shown today and whether or not she says as much, she tries to show it, listening and thinking and letting herself relax.

Kaylin would play as long as the other woman needed her to. It had been a long time since she had so receptive an audience. And she found she was rather enjoying it. She did stick to the teaching flute, leaving the Goblin one alone for now, playing through all she had adapted and then just playing, letting one note follow the next softly. Teaching flutes were good for improvisation, if one had a good imagination.

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hello from the other side ( open )

If you want me to cut this at any point, so she can react, let me know.

it works fine! :)

Awesome! That meditation became my primary one after reading the book. :D

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think this is a good place to fade? assume they enjoyed company for a while?

Works for me. :D