ten_fwd | hello from the other side ( open )

New Orleans Open

Nothing has really been good for Beverly in months. She's had patches of wonderful, good things, but overall, since the day she left sickbay on the Enterprise-E to the Borg, nothing has gone well. Not overall.

And now, just when she thought she was managing her flashbacks and nightmares again, she woke up one morning to find Fatima gone. So the guilt has set in. And the worry. And everything else. Fatima was like a daughter to her and Beverly misses her with every fiber of her being. A part of her is so angry with Q, beyond angry, Beyond something simple. She has never liked him. Not even once.

But right now? Beverly Cheryl Howard Crusher is 1000% done with Q. If he leaves them alone today, it would still be too late.

So, here she is in the holodeck today. Most people will come across her sitting by a trashcan of fire in the middle of a back alley. She's instructed the holodeck to make the fire big, so it's pretty much a bonfire. A contained bonfire, but a bonfire nonetheless.

Fire is calming to her. She loves the flickering lights, the way it smells.

Fire helps her cope.

Fire is real. Even when it isn't.

Orient Express Open

If New Orleans isn't the destination of choice, a visitor might open the holodeck doors to find themselves on a train. Right now, it's empty, but that might change. Beverly herself is on the train, with her back facing the front of it.

That may or may not be intentionally symbolic.

Whatever the case, she's curled up on one of the seats, her legs tucked up and her head resting against the window as she watches the world go by. On the seat between her and the wall is a PADD, the one she's been trying to use since Deanna made her suggestion. For now, it's enough to watch and think. Maybe she'll turn the actual story on sometime.

Five more minutes.

Five more minutes to mourn, to watch the back of the train, her life.

Five more minutes to feel guilt that she isn't there with Fatima, that she knows what Fatima will go back to but she isn't there to help.

Five more minutes to wonder about the version of Beverly Crusher who should be in this timeline and to feel guilt about that, too.

Five more minutes to feel numb.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

She answers the last question first, since it's the easiest.

"Of course he does. Except when memories have been taken from him, or that he chooses to forget in a given incarnation, or if he's in the throws of regeneration sickness. Then, it can be difficult for him to keep everything straight."

But that's not really hear or there, especially in light of the first question.

"Sometimes his personality can change quite drastically. But I would argue the more he changes, the more he stays the same. Especially in his later incarnations. He always seems to have aspects of his former personalities that come out at different times. But then, I suppose the same could be said of anyone."

This explanation really is far too close to the Trill for Beverly's tastes. She hasn't met Odan in this timeline, isn't sure she really wants to. As much as she had loved him, she can't live through that a second time. It would be like living through Jack's death a second time and she gets that enough in her nightmares.

Turning, she gazes out of the window again, a slight frown creasing her face as she finds she can't even focus on the scenery now. Her mind is stuck on Odan. He would be in the host she met him in, wouldn't he? Or has time really messed things up for him? How are Peliar Zel and its moons? Is Kareel--

She shoves all of those thoughts aside and tries to focus instead on Cridhe's words.

"How is that... You say you've been his companion through all of his incarnations. How can you adjust to someone different each time? Isn't it difficult to get used to someone new who knows you when you don't know them?"

Cridhe doesn't know or understand Beverly's internal struggle. She's simply answering questions that are asked of her.

"I do know him. He is always the same man to me, even through his differences. His human companions tend to struggle with it. Though there have been some that managed it brilliantly. Besides, we're symbiotic after a fashion and we have a psychic link. So, that tends to help."

It's an internal struggle that's probably been a long time in coming. Beverly hasn't really had a chance to work through it on her own. The situation happened so quickly, too quickly. Now that she's faced with something eerily similar, she finds that she's morbidly curious about it. A part of her wants to understand.

Even though she's still afraid.

"I guess that would help," she says with a soft sigh. Even mention symbiotic relationships is too close. "Are there any of his human companions here?" That might be a weird question, so she opts to explain. Just a little. "I knew someone who was eerily similar. I didn't have the chance to really understand him before he left, so I guess... I'm just trying to understand now."

It might be too late in some respects, but she is still curious. It's something she'll have to ask Ezri, too.

Cridhe just looks at Beverly for a long moment.

"You don't need to explain why you are asking. It is a question that those of us who know the Doctor are always asking each other. Rose Tyler and Clara Oswald, they have both been witness to the Doctor's Regeneration. Both handled it differently. If you want someone to talk to about what happened, what it was like to live through such a change, they would be good resources. And there's River Song. But that relationship is a little... strange. They keep meeting each other in the wrong order. I haven't seen her yet, so I don't know when in her time line she's been brought here. Finally, there's Amy Pond. She knows about regeneration, but has never lived through it. Still, she's exceptionally smart when it comes to the Doctor."

Beverly nods slowly, taking all of that knowledge in. Those are good resources, good options to pursue. Maybe one or several of those people can help her. Perhaps soon she will find out.

"Thank you," she murmurs softly. Cridhe's willingness to help her without requiring a full explanation means a great deal to her. "I think someday soon it might do me some good to find one of them sometime soon. Perhaps one of the Doctors as well."

It can't hurt, right? Maybe hearing from one of his incarnations will help her wrap her head around how it works, too.

She smiles a bit ruefully.

"Honestly, I would suggest talking to all the hims. Each version has a different take on regeneration and each one has rather pointed opinions on... his other selves. Sometimes it helps to understand how difficult it is for him, if you talk to all of them."

Because it's not easy for him. Ever. Not really. There's hard and harder, but never easy.

Beverly had never really considered that. She had imagined that it was the same thing over and over, that changing bodies or hosts wouldn't be any different each time. Maybe it is. Maybe it was for Odan as well. She may never know about him. But she can find out with the Doctor.

"I had never thought of it that way," she admits. "I think I will. Thank you, Cridhe. I know you didn't expect to come in and give me advice on something like this."

But it really is helping her sort some things out.

"I don't mind. The Doctor's companions would often talk to me when we'd travel. It's nice to be able to actually reply this time."

She shrugs casually, because really, it's reminding her that, like with the Doctor, the more she changed, the more she stayed the same.

"Given the situation Q has put us into, we all need to help each other, or none of us will survive."

"I agree," Beverly says quietly, her eyes softening with gratitude. It's one thing to think and believe that herself and another to hear someone else say. But she's glad that she isn't the only person with that in mind. "Will you stay for a time? If you don't have anything else to do."

Beverly has quite a bit to think about and even if they don't actually talk about anything, she thinks it would be nice just to have company.

Cridhe smiles at the request. She understands a little how the Doctor feels about regeneration, now. She never knows if she's going to be accepted or not. It's nice to know her presence can still be accepted.

"I would be happy to. And... don't feel pressure to talk about anything. I'm happy to listen, but I'm just as happy to sit with someone in silence."

She has no expectations one way or another. But she knows humans sometimes feel compelled to speak in situations like this. And sometimes they need to be reminded that silence can say just as much.

Beverly decides to offer her gratitude with a smile rather than with words. She's said as much so many times already in this conversation and sometimes it's nice just to sit in silence. Companionable silence. It's been a while since Beverly really had that with anyone, particularly someone she didn't know very well.

So, for now, she is content to just let her head turn to rest against the back of the train seat while her eyes watch the scenery fly by. Right now, it's enough for her to relax and enjoy the ride, looking, for the first time in a while, almost peaceful. This was a good conversation and Cridhe is becoming more like a friend each time they meet.

Cridhe is perfectly content to sit there, also watching the projected scenery. Unfortunately, given her nature, she knows it's a hologram. Still, given twenty-fourth century technology, it is impressive in its own right.

She has enough of her own things to think about anyway. And what better place than this? Maybe she will talk to the Doctor about programming the console room into the holodeck.

hello from the other side ( open )

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