Hauted by inner demons - OTA Forward dated to early hours Friday

[not_the_question]

The Doctor has a terrible secret that he has tried to keep somewhat hidden since his return.

He is older. Four point five billion years older. He might have mentioned it to a few people, but he hasn't properly explained to anyone how that all happened. "Stuck in a place" was probably as specific as he got. But the terrible truth was about to be revealed to everyone in the worst way he could imagine.

River might realise what's going on, at least in theory. But it had been very early days on Darillium when he had been forced to tell her. Even in his time now, that seems like ages ago. And for her... well... it had been substantially longer.

The Doctor woke to find himself back in his castle. He sighed heavily. It had been an odd dream anyway. Stuck on a ship that was pure fiction. That was almost worse than being stuck here. At least he knew how the castle worked now.

He got up, dressed and continued his search for Room 12.

He hadn't seen the Veil in some time. He checked the monitors and they showed it to be a surprising distance from him. Good. That means he had more time than he thought. Well, that was good. Maybe if he could confuse it enough, he could get more than his tested maximum of eighty-two minutes.

[ooc: The Doctor will be wandering all over the ship, thinking he is in his Confession Dial. Anyone who happens upon the Doctor will be infused into his nightmare. Some might take on the image of the Veil and others might become 'haunts' from other parts of the Doctor's life. Depending on how the Doctor incorporates your character into the dream will dictate his reaction to them. The goal, should your character choose to accept it, is to wake the Doctor. But, be aware, he believes his life is under threat from the Veil, so he is likely to do a lot of things to try to get somewhere safe. This includes but is not limited to hurting others.]

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[not_the_question]

"I'm not injured."

It's the truth, even if he knows that's not what she's asking. He rubs his face, trying to ease the tension away.

"I'm all right."

But for how long...?

[professorsong]

"Maybe," she said. "But you weren't. However, you will be." Ah, time tenses. She kissed him gently. "You and me, we'll fix this, then we'll fix the larger this."

[not_the_question]

He looks at her out of the corner of his eye. But he can't really look at her. Not yet.

"I know you are ahead of me again. But only Twenty-four years. And I know the kind of man I am and what I'd be running from in that time."

He swallows thickly.

"Don't presume to know me."

She wasn't there with him on Gallifrey when he had killed the general. She wasn't there with him in the Dial. And no matter how he would try to explain it, knowledge is a far cry from experience. And that's what he's fighting with right now.

[professorsong]

"You're the Doctor," she said simply. She reached over and took his face with her hands, turning him to face her. "Look at me," she said simply.

"You are the Doctor. No matter what face you wear, no matter what you experience, no matter what you do, no matter who you lose. You are the Doctor. I will always, always know you. And I will always, always, love you."

[not_the_question]

He looks at her, if only because of her demand. But the moment she's done speaking he closes his eyes and lowers his head. It's the only form of running that he can have right now. These emotions are too raw right now. They run too deep. And now she's ahead of him again - sort of.

"What if the person I lose next is myself?"

Because he doesn't feel very Doctor-y. And being the Doctor right now just feels like it takes more work than he can invest.

[professorsong]

"That's what we're trying to prevent, my love." She let go of his face to hold his hands. She squeezed them. "No one is the same one thing from birth to death, no matter how short or calm a life they live. And you, sweetie, your life has been neither short nor calm. "But changing isn't losing yourself, giving in may well be, but changing, growing, learning, this is how all of us write who we are, every day that we live."

And she intends him to keep on living. There were still things he had not yet seen, people he would love that he had not yet met, things he did not understand. The universe still had so many wonderful things to show him, and he still had so many wonderful things to show the universe.

[not_the_question]

"I've been through regeneration, River. I've been through death more times than even my long life would allow to be counted."

He knows about growth and change. That's not what worries him.

"I have to work so hard to be 'the Doctor'. I'm just... I can't do it if I have to fight these demons too."

His nightmares. The things that cling to him and don't let him rest.

[professorsong]

"Except you don't have to fight them alone," she said softly. "Being the Doctor is who you are, and yes, some parts are an act, some parts are a lie, but at the hearts, you are you," she said. "and if you need to let the parts that are too hard fall aside for now, do it. I'm here, I can carry some of that load, for a time, but only if you let me."

A lie, of course. She can and will do whatever she can to protect him, even if he doesn't let her in willingly. She loves the man too much to let him freewill himself into an early (um... what?) grave.

"I will help with the demons, and with the load, I am here until we fix things and I go back to die. Until then... I am here. And even after...."

She let go of one of his hands to touch his chest, between his hearts, "I am here. If you're ever lost or confused, think... What would River Song do? Then do the opposite."

[not_the_question]

He sighs heavily. She can't help him. Not this time. But how to help her to understand...

"Do you remember what I said that first Christmas we spent on Darillium?"

[professorsong]

"Times end," she said simply. "So too, do nightmares." She touched his face gently. "I know I will die, my love, but first I will save you from this. We will find your freedom."

[not_the_question]

"You can say that, because from your point of view you already have."

He shakes his head.

"I won't make you go through that again."

No. He has something else planned for himself. Because in this place, there are mechanisms in place for people like him. He can go through his grief and face his horrors. He can pay the price for the crimes he's committed. And it's only right, in the end.

[professorsong]

"My love," she said firmly, "for you, there is nothing I would not go through. As many times as I need to." She rested her hands on his face, staring him in the eyes. she loved him, so much more than she could ever love herself. And she would fix this as many times as he needed her to. She would do anything for him, anything.

[not_the_question]

He reaches up and pulls her hands away from his face. He still holds her hands in his, though.

"I used to think that way. But after three-hundred billion times on repeat, well. It takes on new meaning. I won't make you go through this again. It doesn't matter how much you want to. It's a matter of what I can in good conscience allow."

And preserving time lines, but he knows she won't accept that reasoning for even a second.

[professorsong]

"Then think of it this way, my love. Even if we repeat every bit of aid I gave on Darillium three times over, it is not a patch on what you suffered. And perhaps we can, before we get that far, we can figure out a way to help you that is more effective. Something that will last." Even though she wont.

[not_the_question]

He rubs his face. She doesn't get it. Doesn't understand what he's tried to say. Or worse, she understands and is flat-out ignoring him. And he can't scamper off in the TARDIS. Sitting here on top of her is as close as he can get to that. As to solitude, the closest he can get is his room and that feels suffocating sometimes.

He sighs, but then makes his way down from the top of the TARDIS. "Feel free to stay. I'm sure the pair of you have a bit of catching up to do."

He gives a fond pat to the TARDIS, then slides his hands in his pockets and starts to make his way out. Though, as he passes the car form of KITT, he offers a fond pat, he'll have to come back when he's in a better mood.

[professorsong]

She slid off to follow him. "You can't keep doing this to yourself," she informed him. "And if you think that keeping me out of it, away from it, is a kindness to me, then you could not be more wrong," she said firmly.

"This is not a kindness, Doctor."

[not_the_question]

In an echo that came from when he had first learned how she thought him a fool about the number of times she had stolen the TARDIS, the Doctor paused before leaving. "You never minded before."

Only because she never knew before. For as much as she had kept all her pain from him, he had kept what he could from her as well. The Angel getting her parents had been a moment of weakness that he later swore to himself he would never let her see again and this was perilously close in his opinion.

[professorsong]

"I meant what I said," she told him firmly. "Back when I thought you didn't love me, I really didn't think that you did. I hid when I was in pain so you wouldn't get rid of me, wouldn't find an excuse to avoid me. Do you think I don't love you enough?" she asked him. She took a step towards him. "If you love me, if you truly love me, don't push me away. Not for my sake."

[not_the_question]

The Doctor is mildly horrified by her words. He thought she knew better. Thought she was different. And she was. What the hell happened in those twenty-four years that made her so different now compared to the River he had just left?

Why was she playing this kind of game?

He didn't like it. He needed to get away before something drastic happened. He nodded. "Okay. Then don't blackmail me for mine."

Because that's what it was. Blackmail. Emotional blackmail. Leaving him with no choice, no autonomy, no option to try to find another way. Now, if he tries to push her away, she'll interpret it as him not loving her, which is the farthest from the truth.

Sometimes, loving someone means letting it go somewhat peacefully. Ironically, she was the one who taught him that when they first met. And he had let her go so many times. And the last time - to the Library still was ahead of him. And now, it would happen twice. Once when they get out of this mess and once at the end of those twenty-four years he had to go back to.

And these thoughts really aren't helping. It's making everything worse. He's noticed now, that his toe is tapping. Marking out the seconds.

[professorsong]

"You aren't leaving me anything else I can do," she whispered. Because she felt like he was leaving her no options at the moment either. "When this is over, my love, you go back to our date, I go back to my death. For once, time? Time is not what we have in abundance. We can't dance through it like we usually do. Anything we want to do, have to do, we have to do it here. Now."

She stepped closer again. "This is my only chance I have to help you. I know that now. No more loopholes, not for us, not for me. I've used them all up after this. This is my only chance to help, and I want to help, with all that I am," she whispered.

[not_the_question]

The Doctor sighs heavily and turns back around to face her. He has to be strong now. All he wants to do is run and hide. Hasn't he done enough?

"Nothing you can do? You can do something no one else on this ship can do. Accept me, River. Just how I am now. Don't try to mould me into the me you last saw. Don't try to fix me."

He wants to be able to be vulnerable, but he can't let himself do that if he fears people will try to fix him before he's ready. Or worse try to help him before they know anything about him.

[professorsong]

"I do accept you. Always have. Always will. I do, however, also worry about you. If you had seen how you had been just before, you'd understand why," she said softly. "But you are who you are. I wouldn't want anything less, and I can't imagine anything more, my love."

But anyone could accept him, couldn't they? Frankly she didn't understand how more people didn't love him. Both came naturally to her, had for most of her life. She made her choice a long time ago. The good, the bad, all of it... she chose him at his best and at his worst. She wanted all the days between.

[not_the_question]

She would be surprised. And perhaps people do accept him eventually, but he's impatient. And it's not the same to be accepted by people who only know one regeneration compared to the people who know several. She knows all of his faces, which puts her in a class by herself.

He sighs softly when she mentions what had happened. What had led him here. "Do you think I don't know what happened? I know what happens. On the TARDIS, she would corral me into a safe room. I should have anticipated an episode, but... I hadn't had one, so I figured it wouldn't happen."

He shrugs. "It's nothing to fear. I didn't hurt anyone and I know what I need to do."

Never sleep again, or find a safe place when he needs sleep.

[professorsong]

"From what I saw, I didn't know if you could be aware, after, of where you were mentally while you were trapped there." She stepped closer, then closed the distance and took his hand. "Tell me then," she said very softly. "Tell me what needs to be done to help you through it, what you would want me to do, and I will do it."

Given what she knew of his time there, how he eventually - eventually being too small a word by far - won free, she didn't think she had been unreasonable to be concerned. Twenty years wasn't enough, thirty wouldn't be enough. She was still learning this face, she wasn't ready to lose it just yet.

[not_the_question]

The Doctor runs his hands through his hair. Why does she have to do that? Keep pushing and pushing.

"I... Don't. Not specific details, anyway. I know enough, though."

One of the benefits of having a telepathic interface with the TARDIS. Also one of the downsides.

"I'm going to talk to the security team about putting me in the brig when I sleep."

Because God-forbid should he do something reasonable like counselling.