hello from the other side ( open )

[ethnobotany]

New Orleans Open

Nothing has really been good for Beverly in months. She's had patches of wonderful, good things, but overall, since the day she left sickbay on the Enterprise-E to the Borg, nothing has gone well. Not overall.

And now, just when she thought she was managing her flashbacks and nightmares again, she woke up one morning to find Fatima gone. So the guilt has set in. And the worry. And everything else. Fatima was like a daughter to her and Beverly misses her with every fiber of her being. A part of her is so angry with Q, beyond angry, Beyond something simple. She has never liked him. Not even once.

But right now? Beverly Cheryl Howard Crusher is 1000% done with Q. If he leaves them alone today, it would still be too late.

So, here she is in the holodeck today. Most people will come across her sitting by a trashcan of fire in the middle of a back alley. She's instructed the holodeck to make the fire big, so it's pretty much a bonfire. A contained bonfire, but a bonfire nonetheless.

Fire is calming to her. She loves the flickering lights, the way it smells.

Fire helps her cope.

Fire is real. Even when it isn't.

Orient Express Open

If New Orleans isn't the destination of choice, a visitor might open the holodeck doors to find themselves on a train. Right now, it's empty, but that might change. Beverly herself is on the train, with her back facing the front of it.

That may or may not be intentionally symbolic.

Whatever the case, she's curled up on one of the seats, her legs tucked up and her head resting against the window as she watches the world go by. On the seat between her and the wall is a PADD, the one she's been trying to use since Deanna made her suggestion. For now, it's enough to watch and think. Maybe she'll turn the actual story on sometime.

Five more minutes.

Five more minutes to mourn, to watch the back of the train, her life.

Five more minutes to feel guilt that she isn't there with Fatima, that she knows what Fatima will go back to but she isn't there to help.

Five more minutes to wonder about the version of Beverly Crusher who should be in this timeline and to feel guilt about that, too.

Five more minutes to feel numb.

Comments

Orient Express

[cridhe]

Cridhe knows something about 'five more minutes' and something about the Orient Express as well. She's been... monitoring things on the Enterprise. Especially the passenger list. And it hadn't taken a genius to figure out that Dr Crusher and Fatima had been close - even if she only saw them at a distance.

For her, people coming and going is old hat. She remembered people the Doctor was forced to forget. She grieved for them when he could not. But, she had her own regrets about this place. She hadn't gotten to see her Edwardian Doctor while he had been here nor Jack Harkness. She wishes she had.

She comes and sits down across from the doctor. Her voice was soft. More in explanation of her presence than to completely distract the other woman from her five minutes.

"There were many trains to take the name 'Orient Express'. The last one I was on was in space."

[ethnobotany]

Beverly is surprised at the newcomer, but not so distraught that she'll flee at any interruption. Instead, she shifts a little so she can see Cridhe better and offers a small smile. Or, well, more accurately, it's a slight upturn of the corners of her lips. An attempt at a smile.

"In space? Really? What was that one like?"

[cridhe]

She offers a small smile of her own.

"Well, it was in space and the rails were hyperspace ribbons. But overall, identical. Painstaking attention to detail. Except slightly bigger. Because, well, space needed to hold the equipment required to travel in space is bigger."

She looks confused and gestures to the PADD in the free seat.

"Which is strange, when you think about it. You can make an entire computer the size of a pad of paper, but can't figure out how to make engines any smaller than several decks - or train compartments, in this case."

[ethnobotany]

Beverly's small smile turns into a light chuckle. It is funny when you really get down to it. "Find my son, or wait a few years and then ask him. I'm sure he could explain it to you. Or find our Chief Engineer. Either way, they could probably explain it better than I could."

She's a doctor, she likes cybernetics, but she is not an engineer.

"I think I'd like to see that sometime. I've always liked the Orient Express, but I never thought I'd see it in any other way but this."

[cridhe]

Cridhe smiles, she understands why humans couldn't accomplish it, but given her abilities, she finds it ironic.

"Have you met the Doctor yet? I mean, the Doctor from my universe. My pilot. He could show you every incarnation of this train."

Well, she could too, but Beverly would probably have more fun with the Doctor. Especially since she's grounded right now. And had been in her original timeline as well.

[ethnobotany]

"One, yes," Beverly answers. "And just once. I haven't had the chance to meet anyone else or talk to him again. I liked him."

He had been very interesting, had kept her attention and interest more than she had expected with someone so eccentric.

"Maybe another day I'll meet him again and ask." Or she might just sit here and enjoy her version.

[cridhe]

Cridhe smiles when Beverly mentions liking the Doctor. "Which one did you meet? I know there were four of him here for awhile."

And well, she can imagine Dr Crusher getting on with some of them better than others.

[ethnobotany]

Beverly considers that for a few minutes. "Mmm short brown hair. Long coat. Does that ring a bell?" The tenth incarnation. She had liked him.

[cridhe]

She smiles a bit. "Of course it does. I know all of him. Which is why I'm curious which one. Because saying 'I met the Doctor' is not specific enough for me."

She shrugs. "Sandshoes and hair. That was when he was in his tenth body. In my present form, I travel with his twelfth incarnation. But Sandshoes. He is hard to not like."

[ethnobotany]

"Does he change his looks often?" Assuming that's what it really is. If not, this Doctor has more in common with Trill than Beverly is prepared to deal with.

"How many have been here so far?" Curiosity speaks, despite the slight connection with the Trill. Beverly is interested in alien life forms and this sounds like something she would be very interested in.

[cridhe]

"He does not choose to change, nor his appearance, if that is what you are asking. Time Lords have a process of cheating death in your terms. They call it regeneration. When they are about to die, every cell in their body breaks down and renews itself. But it means that he looks different each time it happens."

Cridhe looks sad at Dr Crusher's next question. "There were four of his incarnations here when I arrived. Now, it seems to be only three."

[ethnobotany]

Cheating death.

It's like two separate punches coming one right after the other but hitting the same part of her. For a moment, Beverly's breath catches, her chest squeezing. Death. So many people around her have died, so many people she once loved. But then that ties together with Odan and the Trill, how those who are Joined with the symbionts have a way of cheating death. They aren't the same and yet they are. Beverly has never really been clear about that, how it works. All she knows is that it was too difficult for her to accept a third body with Odan's memories. The whole situation had rocked her to her core. Perhaps, with more time, she could have...

She shakes herself inwardly. "Does he... is he different when this happens?" she asks carefully. "He changes his looks, but does his personality change? Does he still remember his other... lives, I guess?"

[cridhe]

She answers the last question first, since it's the easiest.

"Of course he does. Except when memories have been taken from him, or that he chooses to forget in a given incarnation, or if he's in the throws of regeneration sickness. Then, it can be difficult for him to keep everything straight."

But that's not really hear or there, especially in light of the first question.

"Sometimes his personality can change quite drastically. But I would argue the more he changes, the more he stays the same. Especially in his later incarnations. He always seems to have aspects of his former personalities that come out at different times. But then, I suppose the same could be said of anyone."

[ethnobotany]

This explanation really is far too close to the Trill for Beverly's tastes. She hasn't met Odan in this timeline, isn't sure she really wants to. As much as she had loved him, she can't live through that a second time. It would be like living through Jack's death a second time and she gets that enough in her nightmares.

Turning, she gazes out of the window again, a slight frown creasing her face as she finds she can't even focus on the scenery now. Her mind is stuck on Odan. He would be in the host she met him in, wouldn't he? Or has time really messed things up for him? How are Peliar Zel and its moons? Is Kareel--

She shoves all of those thoughts aside and tries to focus instead on Cridhe's words.

"How is that... You say you've been his companion through all of his incarnations. How can you adjust to someone different each time? Isn't it difficult to get used to someone new who knows you when you don't know them?"

[cridhe]

Cridhe doesn't know or understand Beverly's internal struggle. She's simply answering questions that are asked of her.

"I do know him. He is always the same man to me, even through his differences. His human companions tend to struggle with it. Though there have been some that managed it brilliantly. Besides, we're symbiotic after a fashion and we have a psychic link. So, that tends to help."

[ethnobotany]

It's an internal struggle that's probably been a long time in coming. Beverly hasn't really had a chance to work through it on her own. The situation happened so quickly, too quickly. Now that she's faced with something eerily similar, she finds that she's morbidly curious about it. A part of her wants to understand.

Even though she's still afraid.

"I guess that would help," she says with a soft sigh. Even mention symbiotic relationships is too close. "Are there any of his human companions here?" That might be a weird question, so she opts to explain. Just a little. "I knew someone who was eerily similar. I didn't have the chance to really understand him before he left, so I guess... I'm just trying to understand now."

It might be too late in some respects, but she is still curious. It's something she'll have to ask Ezri, too.

[cridhe]

Cridhe just looks at Beverly for a long moment.

"You don't need to explain why you are asking. It is a question that those of us who know the Doctor are always asking each other. Rose Tyler and Clara Oswald, they have both been witness to the Doctor's Regeneration. Both handled it differently. If you want someone to talk to about what happened, what it was like to live through such a change, they would be good resources. And there's River Song. But that relationship is a little... strange. They keep meeting each other in the wrong order. I haven't seen her yet, so I don't know when in her time line she's been brought here. Finally, there's Amy Pond. She knows about regeneration, but has never lived through it. Still, she's exceptionally smart when it comes to the Doctor."

[ethnobotany]

Beverly nods slowly, taking all of that knowledge in. Those are good resources, good options to pursue. Maybe one or several of those people can help her. Perhaps soon she will find out.

"Thank you," she murmurs softly. Cridhe's willingness to help her without requiring a full explanation means a great deal to her. "I think someday soon it might do me some good to find one of them sometime soon. Perhaps one of the Doctors as well."

It can't hurt, right? Maybe hearing from one of his incarnations will help her wrap her head around how it works, too.

[cridhe]

She smiles a bit ruefully.

"Honestly, I would suggest talking to all the hims. Each version has a different take on regeneration and each one has rather pointed opinions on... his other selves. Sometimes it helps to understand how difficult it is for him, if you talk to all of them."

Because it's not easy for him. Ever. Not really. There's hard and harder, but never easy.

[ethnobotany]

Beverly had never really considered that. She had imagined that it was the same thing over and over, that changing bodies or hosts wouldn't be any different each time. Maybe it is. Maybe it was for Odan as well. She may never know about him. But she can find out with the Doctor.

"I had never thought of it that way," she admits. "I think I will. Thank you, Cridhe. I know you didn't expect to come in and give me advice on something like this."

But it really is helping her sort some things out.

[cridhe]

"I don't mind. The Doctor's companions would often talk to me when we'd travel. It's nice to be able to actually reply this time."

She shrugs casually, because really, it's reminding her that, like with the Doctor, the more she changed, the more she stayed the same.

"Given the situation Q has put us into, we all need to help each other, or none of us will survive."

[ethnobotany]

"I agree," Beverly says quietly, her eyes softening with gratitude. It's one thing to think and believe that herself and another to hear someone else say. But she's glad that she isn't the only person with that in mind. "Will you stay for a time? If you don't have anything else to do."

Beverly has quite a bit to think about and even if they don't actually talk about anything, she thinks it would be nice just to have company.

[cridhe]

Cridhe smiles at the request. She understands a little how the Doctor feels about regeneration, now. She never knows if she's going to be accepted or not. It's nice to know her presence can still be accepted.

"I would be happy to. And... don't feel pressure to talk about anything. I'm happy to listen, but I'm just as happy to sit with someone in silence."

She has no expectations one way or another. But she knows humans sometimes feel compelled to speak in situations like this. And sometimes they need to be reminded that silence can say just as much.

[ethnobotany]

Beverly decides to offer her gratitude with a smile rather than with words. She's said as much so many times already in this conversation and sometimes it's nice just to sit in silence. Companionable silence. It's been a while since Beverly really had that with anyone, particularly someone she didn't know very well.

So, for now, she is content to just let her head turn to rest against the back of the train seat while her eyes watch the scenery fly by. Right now, it's enough for her to relax and enjoy the ride, looking, for the first time in a while, almost peaceful. This was a good conversation and Cridhe is becoming more like a friend each time they meet.

[cridhe]

Cridhe is perfectly content to sit there, also watching the projected scenery. Unfortunately, given her nature, she knows it's a hologram. Still, given twenty-fourth century technology, it is impressive in its own right.

She has enough of her own things to think about anyway. And what better place than this? Maybe she will talk to the Doctor about programming the console room into the holodeck.