ten_fwd | Hauted by inner demons - OTA Forward dated to early hours Friday

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Hauted by inner demons - OTA Forward dated to early hours Friday

The Doctor has a terrible secret that he has tried to keep somewhat hidden since his return.

He is older. Four point five billion years older. He might have mentioned it to a few people, but he hasn't properly explained to anyone how that all happened. "Stuck in a place" was probably as specific as he got. But the terrible truth was about to be revealed to everyone in the worst way he could imagine.

River might realise what's going on, at least in theory. But it had been very early days on Darillium when he had been forced to tell her. Even in his time now, that seems like ages ago. And for her... well... it had been substantially longer.

The Doctor woke to find himself back in his castle. He sighed heavily. It had been an odd dream anyway. Stuck on a ship that was pure fiction. That was almost worse than being stuck here. At least he knew how the castle worked now.

He got up, dressed and continued his search for Room 12.

He hadn't seen the Veil in some time. He checked the monitors and they showed it to be a surprising distance from him. Good. That means he had more time than he thought. Well, that was good. Maybe if he could confuse it enough, he could get more than his tested maximum of eighty-two minutes.

[ooc: The Doctor will be wandering all over the ship, thinking he is in his Confession Dial. Anyone who happens upon the Doctor will be infused into his nightmare. Some might take on the image of the Veil and others might become 'haunts' from other parts of the Doctor's life. Depending on how the Doctor incorporates your character into the dream will dictate his reaction to them. The goal, should your character choose to accept it, is to wake the Doctor. But, be aware, he believes his life is under threat from the Veil, so he is likely to do a lot of things to try to get somewhere safe. This includes but is not limited to hurting others.]

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"Can I take it from the question that you're back to the here and now, my love?" she asked, "Or do you still think I'm out to kill you? Because it's been nearly a lifetime for me, more for you, since I last tried."

She leaned back against the Tardis, looking up at him, though she couldn't see him from that angle. But she was close. Close enough to feel the wrongness in the wood behind her, close enough to hear when he speaks. close enough that if he reached down, and she up, they could touch.

He swallows thickly at her reply. It's answer enough, even if he would have preferred a more direct reply. He senses her presence. How close she is. But he can't bring himself to come down from his perch, nor even to lower a hand.

"I don't have control when I'm in that state... Everything around me is incorporated into whatever experience triggered the event."

And he hates himself for it. More than he can possibly explain.

"Then we'll just have to either figure out a way for you to regain control, or better, break out of that state. If nothing else, it gives us something to do." And she was going to smile as if this was a fun game. Because that would probably tick him off, and a ticked off Doctor was better than a self loathing Doctor. And a ticked off Doctor...? Well... didn't matter the face, push him hard enough and he finds answers. Not always answers he could except if he were calmer, but nearly always the answers they needed.

He's too caught up in what happened to be angry. Besides, her trying to help him. Properly help him, would never anger him.

"I thought I was over this. I thought...."

Doesn't matter what he thought, he is so very wrong.

"Did I harm anyone?"

River when they were spending linear time together would volunteer such information, but the River who was here? Had the future really changed her so much?

"Only yourself, my love," she said softly. "though apparently my attempt to confuse you by acting not myself only reinforced your certainty," she added wryly.

"If you're not going to come down, give me a hand up?"

"I very much dislike both those options."

He'd regenerate from embarrassment alone, if he thought it would make things better. But it's always a craps-shoot for him. But after a few moments, his hand extends down to her. It's more of a peace offering than anything.

She took his hand, held it, squeezed it, but said, "If you'd rather I stay down here, I will."

"It's a roller-coaster with you. Make up your mind."

Meaning it's her choice, he doesn't care, but be decisive. He's not in the mood for people to not be decisive.

What she wanted to do was whatever was going to help him. But if he was leaving it to her... She anchored on his hand and set about trying to climb the outside of the TARDIS, glad for once that it was smaller on the outside. And that she was athletic. Not that this dress was really made for climbing.

Once she's settled next to him, the Doctor returns to his quiet, contemplative mood. He's not in the same position as he was when she found him, but everything about his body conveyed: 'I'm thinking.'

If River doesn't speak, the silence probably carries on for some minutes. When he finally speaks, his voice is soft and low. As if afraid to break the silence.

"Why would you say I harmed myself?"

She leaned against him lightly, listening to the question, and giving it serious thought before she replied, "how could you not?"

"I'm not injured."

It's the truth, even if he knows that's not what she's asking. He rubs his face, trying to ease the tension away.

"I'm all right."

But for how long...?

"Maybe," she said. "But you weren't. However, you will be." Ah, time tenses. She kissed him gently. "You and me, we'll fix this, then we'll fix the larger this."

He looks at her out of the corner of his eye. But he can't really look at her. Not yet.

"I know you are ahead of me again. But only Twenty-four years. And I know the kind of man I am and what I'd be running from in that time."

He swallows thickly.

"Don't presume to know me."

She wasn't there with him on Gallifrey when he had killed the general. She wasn't there with him in the Dial. And no matter how he would try to explain it, knowledge is a far cry from experience. And that's what he's fighting with right now.

"You're the Doctor," she said simply. She reached over and took his face with her hands, turning him to face her. "Look at me," she said simply.

"You are the Doctor. No matter what face you wear, no matter what you experience, no matter what you do, no matter who you lose. You are the Doctor. I will always, always know you. And I will always, always, love you."

He looks at her, if only because of her demand. But the moment she's done speaking he closes his eyes and lowers his head. It's the only form of running that he can have right now. These emotions are too raw right now. They run too deep. And now she's ahead of him again - sort of.

"What if the person I lose next is myself?"

Because he doesn't feel very Doctor-y. And being the Doctor right now just feels like it takes more work than he can invest.

"That's what we're trying to prevent, my love." She let go of his face to hold his hands. She squeezed them. "No one is the same one thing from birth to death, no matter how short or calm a life they live. And you, sweetie, your life has been neither short nor calm. "But changing isn't losing yourself, giving in may well be, but changing, growing, learning, this is how all of us write who we are, every day that we live."

And she intends him to keep on living. There were still things he had not yet seen, people he would love that he had not yet met, things he did not understand. The universe still had so many wonderful things to show him, and he still had so many wonderful things to show the universe.

"I've been through regeneration, River. I've been through death more times than even my long life would allow to be counted."

He knows about growth and change. That's not what worries him.

"I have to work so hard to be 'the Doctor'. I'm just... I can't do it if I have to fight these demons too."

His nightmares. The things that cling to him and don't let him rest.

"Except you don't have to fight them alone," she said softly. "Being the Doctor is who you are, and yes, some parts are an act, some parts are a lie, but at the hearts, you are you," she said. "and if you need to let the parts that are too hard fall aside for now, do it. I'm here, I can carry some of that load, for a time, but only if you let me."

A lie, of course. She can and will do whatever she can to protect him, even if he doesn't let her in willingly. She loves the man too much to let him freewill himself into an early (um... what?) grave.

"I will help with the demons, and with the load, I am here until we fix things and I go back to die. Until then... I am here. And even after...."

She let go of one of his hands to touch his chest, between his hearts, "I am here. If you're ever lost or confused, think... What would River Song do? Then do the opposite."

He sighs heavily. She can't help him. Not this time. But how to help her to understand...

"Do you remember what I said that first Christmas we spent on Darillium?"

"Times end," she said simply. "So too, do nightmares." She touched his face gently. "I know I will die, my love, but first I will save you from this. We will find your freedom."

"You can say that, because from your point of view you already have."

He shakes his head.

"I won't make you go through that again."

No. He has something else planned for himself. Because in this place, there are mechanisms in place for people like him. He can go through his grief and face his horrors. He can pay the price for the crimes he's committed. And it's only right, in the end.

"My love," she said firmly, "for you, there is nothing I would not go through. As many times as I need to." She rested her hands on his face, staring him in the eyes. she loved him, so much more than she could ever love herself. And she would fix this as many times as he needed her to. She would do anything for him, anything.

He reaches up and pulls her hands away from his face. He still holds her hands in his, though.

"I used to think that way. But after three-hundred billion times on repeat, well. It takes on new meaning. I won't make you go through this again. It doesn't matter how much you want to. It's a matter of what I can in good conscience allow."

And preserving time lines, but he knows she won't accept that reasoning for even a second.

"Then think of it this way, my love. Even if we repeat every bit of aid I gave on Darillium three times over, it is not a patch on what you suffered. And perhaps we can, before we get that far, we can figure out a way to help you that is more effective. Something that will last." Even though she wont.

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